House is Home again :)

Maa v2.0 was launched today and comprehensively upgraded the house that i had so carefully turned into a ramshackle collection of dirty dishes and clothes back over the last couple of weeks into what used to be my home. It was like air conditioning or electricity .. u dont miss it till you have to spend some time without it . And what did i do as electricity was being restored?? ZZZZ ed away in the reassurance of a job that was destined to be well done .

Late night i slept for a while and got working from 2 30 am types .. and the last hour or so i have been listening to this shehnai CD .. the Bismillah khan CD ..It was almost as if i was transported to Varanasi ...the chilly morning air .. crossing the Kashi bridge as the first sunrays touch the ganga...people praying half immersed in the river .. shivering at the feel of the cold water ...the incessant funeral pyres of the Dashashwamedh ghat...some busy getting the job .. the rituals done others silently mulling over the person and his memories as they go up in flames ... the shawl and muffler wrapped rickwhaw walas with their inevitable bidi and steaming hot 1 re 50 paise ilaichi tea ..the glint of the sun off their rusted rickshaw handles ..of the snaky lanes and the din of bells and conches ...the huge sweetshops with the huger still kadhai of milk...an occasional bull with its hump smeared in saffron.. tranquil amidst the chaos...the chain locked cycle stands of IIT BHU ...the pattern of the shadows of the spokes .. intersecting each other in crazy converging straight lines....the silent hostel dorm verandahs.. doors ajar ..thin shrivelled third year students attending the first period of thermodynamics from the warm comfort of their beds .. an occasional tracksuit clad first year guy running the ancient streets of the campus in (the futile) hope of impressing just about anybody .. the shehnai marking out the exuberance of it all and the mundane monotony of it all too ...

Sunday Bloody Sunday...

Its been a toughie .. this Sunday has . A full day to yourself is like this blank canvas that you may paint in whichever color you fancy.. i chose to leave my canvas blank ..for today that is .. No colors none at all .. not that i ran out of things to do ... there was LOTS and remains lots to do but when it came to actually doing it i just curled my toes in .. and held back. I must have yawned more than a thousand times, talked to myself all this while in all sorts of gibberish, missed that other half of me like i was missing a right arm . Am definitely missing a point somewhere.. maybe i have really become too soft too dependent on the easy comfortable life. Theres no backbone to whatever i'm saying or doing right now, i'm like this kid in a amusement part awaiting his turn at the joyride.. waiting for things to finally start happening ..question is am i letting the candy floss to melt and stick all over me while i wait ...have i stopped paying attention beyond an occasional absent minded lick ? which is really me ? the part that wants the ride and loves his candy floss? or the part thats thinking ahead to what a comparison to candy floss may lead to and what it "really means" ?

Crossoads

When was the last time that i was on a road which i knew was taking me where i wanted to go ? When was the last time i knew where i wanted to go ? Its like a highway full of crossroads and roundabouts that i have traversed in the last few years. I wanna throttle up and run now.. run free .. run wild.. run fast . I'm learning to fly and for the very first time i am not afraid of crashing cuz i know i was born to fly ..i have finally gotten round to believing what i have been thought of all this time...

Theres so much to do... and i feel a darn big rush coming up heavy on me :) . Am good to go ..i am the all singing all dancing favorite spring of the lord...whatever that means :)

Evil intentions...

It doesnt make much sense but she really thinks i was born and i fell in love with her with the sole intention of hurting her time and again. She keeps punching holes in me through and through .. words , actions or the lack of either at times , a profusion of them at others , but that dont count do it ? She really is like one of those rivers up in the mountains. A hop skip and a jump in her motion complete reluctance to slow down at times ..knowingly at times unknowingly at times knocking down little villages in its wake .. sheepishly slow when repentant , only for a while before she rushes off once more in search of a slope or a fast bend, changing course at will and without the slightest indication.

The boatman cuts a sorry figure trying to keep up , he has his boat to tend to as well doesn't he .. but the river breaks off into a sudden bend ..as if cocking a snook at the boatman .. egging him on in oneupmanship.This river is what the boatman lives and dies for .. the boat is his medium .. his passengers his responsiblity.. the river .. the naughty river who wants to keep the boatman guessing in an unending game of wits .

How many roads..

Its another one of those winter nights...and i'm alone against the cold...against the loneliness..Lifes stagnant....its like this sticky fly on a wall that refuses to move. Sticky.. pesty .. disgusting. Its like the days and nights are playing out this constant cycle just because they havent got anything better to do.. i wouldnt mind if it was day throughout or night throughout .. it wouldnt really make much difference to me . Been a lifetime( already ) of proving myself time and again.. a good son.. a good resource .. a good partner ..and frankly right now i couldnt care less who thinks what of me ... of course theres this little matter of making myself happy .. i sometimes wish there was a way to get away from all this for a while ..like that half hour on the basketball court today when no one knew where their resource their son their partner was ...or rather no one happened to have been trying to find out right at that moment..Sometimes just sometimes you feel like having an option to choose silence over cacophony ..of having the right to choose loneliness over companionship.. just for a while. Its blasphemy to speak that out loud ofcourse .. you are a deserter, a loner, a narcissist all rolled inone all of a sudden if you do . I don't want to make some sort of perfect ending tonight so dont get all worked up looking for one.