Rain

Its been raining for 3 days and 3 nights now. Soft at times like an apologetic mist harder at times like a drummer in trance but theres been no let up .The heat of the earth rising up to the sky to meet peace and sink into harmony of the clouds to float back down in a blissful homecoming of identical counterparts. All equal each one none the richer none the poorer for itself all floating down back where they rose from . Collecting in little silos .. little puddles allover splashing among hurrying feet and screeching tires like children in a muddy playground...hanging upside down from wet clothes tantalizingly slowly dripping out like a slow cycling competition each drop trying to hang on longer than the next . Its a circus of games that the drops are playing on us all around while we pray for the rain to stop and the clouds to clear and the winds to blow these pranksters away.

Shape of things to come

About 36 hours into it all and theres so much to talk about already. Theres so much hapening all around that you feel like part of a gyroscopic experiment at times .. the world spinning round way too fast round you to make any sense of it at all. People a lot like ants milling round all round.. sounding everyone out all around ..groups making and breaking at the speed of sound. But through all of this theres the calm cold as chilled steel feeling of having made it finally thats taking root somewhere.. measuring up everything thats there at my disposal the next couple of years to make the most of, the things that am here to learn and the possibilities that set my pulse racing as i sit here in the courtyard writing this out .

Blowin in the wind

I wanted this post to be just like that.. like a dilapidated banner or a signboard bruised and battered by the storms inside my head. No reasons ..just thought would let the mind take me wherever it wants.. aint stopping for spelling not for grammar..i just see white snow all arund right now.. it isnt very cold.. comfortable but the visibility is nothing to write jhome about...i see a child .. my child crouching doubled up in that white snow... face pinched the tears running from her eyes ..huggung herself in desperation ..in desolation ..i am right there but i cant touch her .. i cant feel her i cant take her in my arms and tell her that things are gonna be just alright .. a thousand chains holding me back a thousand horses pulling me apart in all directions..she watches and she cries and its as if the thick glass door between us wont let my screams and her sobs through. I smell food and i hear laughter like a distant TV .. the glass is lifting but whatever i say is coming out garbled.. i have a smirk on my face which i cant explain to myself... and she cant explain to herself. Shall we ? I see two guitars side by side and i know the music will get louder and sweeter only when they mingle into each other .. both merging into a multicolored overcoat...gogols overcoat.. i remember her swollen eyes in the bluish light of the theatre .. the more she cried the tighter she held me.. the more she cries now the more garbled my speech becomes the thicker the glass becomes .. the louder the TV behind me starts blaring... we are back in cocoons struggling fighting for air.. fighting for our wings.. she doesnt know what color wings she wants.. blue ? or black and gold?.. she wants to fly and on her own..i can be her wingman.. not her pilot.. maybe thats what she thinks i am a fighter pilot.... shooting down friendlies to boost my kills .. to add feathers to my cap.... who knows maybe i am a fighter pilot after all .. a coward who turns and shoots at his own for easy pickings...maybe i'll just bail out and float for a while .. chute down nice and slow.. feel the wind on my face.. maybe that will improve my speech maybe that will thaw the ice.. my chute is held by the silk of her hair.. she packed my chute for me .. but i wanna bungee jump.. her hair wont take the strain.. but do i listen? i never listen do i ?

I feel good !

Finally things seem to be moving and in the right direction for a change. I feel strong ..i feel good ..i feel about seven a half feet tall :) the wind in my hair when i ride.. the heat of the sun buring my skin to crisp .. the cramps i have from taking all those shots yesterday...the crappy lunch ma gave me today ...Damnn everything feels good ! its one of those days when i feel like giving the whole world a huge big hug. If only the windows media player on the comp wasnt coughing up repeats at random (prolly cuz of the shitty ram)but then do i really care ?? not really ... I cant find where the UKS-MODE-INDICATOR is getting set to EDI .. even that cant wipe the grin off my face. I'm just kinda starting to realise the things that really matter and all that i have been missing all this time . In doing that the things that used to have me hot and bothered are also finding a way of getting resolved .I cant explain it really ..like the madonna song says.. "U only see what ur heart wants to see.. how can life be what you want it to be .. your frozen .. when your hearts not open "

Ode to my lost voice

I feel like i have lost my voice , an extension of my body has gone missing , a part of my soul slighted A haven that afforded me the comfort of introspection has been replaced by a cruel emptyness.The days where i took refuge in the comfort of the reassuring blue blood flowing through its veins onto the paper egged on by my thoughts,transforming something visceral into words on paper which could be read and reread. How i wish i could hold you in my hands yet again,how i wish i had my companion on my flights of fantasy back where he belongs close to my heart, secure in our understanding of the world and of each other.

Catch 22

22 , At 22 life somehow takes on proportions that are always overwhelming . Every decision is like a not-so-merry go round , every person you know or talk to seems your friend one instant , your enemy the next . Its like we are at this bridge between a familiar and an unfamiliar end of the river . The familiar end beckons you with open arms while all your heart and body wants is to reach over into the uncertainty of the other side . Its like a death wish that each one of us has had to endure , in fact each one of us has enjoyed the pain of having endured this , but only in hindsight.

22 is the age of playing catch up to a part of you , a person who you dont know and are not even sure that you'll like . Part of you challenges you on the other part depresses you deflates your courage, its like being split apart at the seams of childhood and adulthood. Yet move on you must, we dont have a choice , the decisions start becoming a lot easier to make as the haze starts lifting , as we start adjusting to this new side of the river, to the new smiles and the new language of people around . As we slowly start learning by imitation the whats and blot out the whys that was part of us on the other side of the river .

22 is the age at which i learn't to ask myself the right questions. Its when i got to know how we can tranquilize the raging waters of doubt inside before they engulfed everything thats good in us . 22 is when i learnt that it doesnt take much to have hope inside and the faith that everything will work out fine . Thats when you start trusting only yourself and whats inside you without a care for whatever is going on around you. All that matters is what you think you are made of , the rest as they say is a steaming pile of horse dung .

Aint no sunshine only dim light bulbs

And shes always gone too long anytime she goes away . Dark delivery clouds all over. Is it really the delivery thats so oppressive ? Just about everything seems to be a downward vector .. from dull light bulbs to spitting bull pups to dysfunctional customer service call centers. I just don't feel like trying hard enough of giving it all that i have , don't know why but again the old feeling of wanting to float away rears its head in all its glory . These are the times when the real character filters through , whether there really is the metal inside to get the job done or whether its all really soft as wax that will wash away with the first singe of heat . I dunno but just don't feel like proving myself out here anymore in this city full of dim light bulbs.