Shape of things to come

About 36 hours into it all and theres so much to talk about already. Theres so much hapening all around that you feel like part of a gyroscopic experiment at times .. the world spinning round way too fast round you to make any sense of it at all. People a lot like ants milling round all round.. sounding everyone out all around ..groups making and breaking at the speed of sound. But through all of this theres the calm cold as chilled steel feeling of having made it finally thats taking root somewhere.. measuring up everything thats there at my disposal the next couple of years to make the most of, the things that am here to learn and the possibilities that set my pulse racing as i sit here in the courtyard writing this out .

Blowin in the wind

I wanted this post to be just like that.. like a dilapidated banner or a signboard bruised and battered by the storms inside my head. No reasons ..just thought would let the mind take me wherever it wants.. aint stopping for spelling not for grammar..i just see white snow all arund right now.. it isnt very cold.. comfortable but the visibility is nothing to write jhome about...i see a child .. my child crouching doubled up in that white snow... face pinched the tears running from her eyes ..huggung herself in desperation ..in desolation ..i am right there but i cant touch her .. i cant feel her i cant take her in my arms and tell her that things are gonna be just alright .. a thousand chains holding me back a thousand horses pulling me apart in all directions..she watches and she cries and its as if the thick glass door between us wont let my screams and her sobs through. I smell food and i hear laughter like a distant TV .. the glass is lifting but whatever i say is coming out garbled.. i have a smirk on my face which i cant explain to myself... and she cant explain to herself. Shall we ? I see two guitars side by side and i know the music will get louder and sweeter only when they mingle into each other .. both merging into a multicolored overcoat...gogols overcoat.. i remember her swollen eyes in the bluish light of the theatre .. the more she cried the tighter she held me.. the more she cries now the more garbled my speech becomes the thicker the glass becomes .. the louder the TV behind me starts blaring... we are back in cocoons struggling fighting for air.. fighting for our wings.. she doesnt know what color wings she wants.. blue ? or black and gold?.. she wants to fly and on her own..i can be her wingman.. not her pilot.. maybe thats what she thinks i am a fighter pilot.... shooting down friendlies to boost my kills .. to add feathers to my cap.... who knows maybe i am a fighter pilot after all .. a coward who turns and shoots at his own for easy pickings...maybe i'll just bail out and float for a while .. chute down nice and slow.. feel the wind on my face.. maybe that will improve my speech maybe that will thaw the ice.. my chute is held by the silk of her hair.. she packed my chute for me .. but i wanna bungee jump.. her hair wont take the strain.. but do i listen? i never listen do i ?

I feel good !

Finally things seem to be moving and in the right direction for a change. I feel strong ..i feel good ..i feel about seven a half feet tall :) the wind in my hair when i ride.. the heat of the sun buring my skin to crisp .. the cramps i have from taking all those shots yesterday...the crappy lunch ma gave me today ...Damnn everything feels good ! its one of those days when i feel like giving the whole world a huge big hug. If only the windows media player on the comp wasnt coughing up repeats at random (prolly cuz of the shitty ram)but then do i really care ?? not really ... I cant find where the UKS-MODE-INDICATOR is getting set to EDI .. even that cant wipe the grin off my face. I'm just kinda starting to realise the things that really matter and all that i have been missing all this time . In doing that the things that used to have me hot and bothered are also finding a way of getting resolved .I cant explain it really ..like the madonna song says.. "U only see what ur heart wants to see.. how can life be what you want it to be .. your frozen .. when your hearts not open "